After having my first baby, I often asked people or googled about which was the hardest: transitioning from 0-1 kid or 1-2+. Most of what I heard and read confirmed that most moms felt that having your first baby and transitioning from 0-1 is overall the hardest. After now having my second baby girl, I definitely do agree with that opinion. Since bringing baby #2 home, we’ve still had our fair share of difficult times and hard days. I just feel like I’m much better able to roll with the punches now and handle situations as they arise. Whereas with my first, it didn’t take much at all to completely derail my entire day.
I remember something a friend/coworker told me before I left the hospital with my first baby. Having 3 daughters herself, she told me, “Accept as much help as you can. It gets easier, but that first one rocked my world!” Her saying that really stuck with me over the years. That phrase really encompassed how I felt about that transition into the journey of motherhood as well. Not because she was a difficult or “bad” baby (I actually don’t believe in calling any babies “bad”). But that transition after having your first baby really can be just that hard! It rocked my world! I just simply hadn’t yet grown my “Mom Muscles” as I like to call them.
Before becoming a mom, I had heard many people say that motherhood had given them this huge sense of confidence. That they were able to have a kind of “I don’t care what anyone else thinks or says” attitude. But I found myself not feeling like that at all as a new mom, I felt quite the opposite actually. I was constantly questioning everything.
I remember one night in particular nursing my sweet newborn in her beautiful nursery. Instead of being present and enjoying the moment, I found myself googling “How to Be the Perfect Mom”. After realizing what I was doing I started crying in my exhausted, sleep deprived postpartum state.
I was always comparing myself to other moms. Having a baby at the same time as my 2 best friends and sister in law made that difficult. Talking to my sister in law and her friend around that time, I told them how hard of a time I was having adjusting. I told them I felt like I should just “have it all together” like they and other moms seemed to. They each had at least 3 kids of their own at the time. Both of them told me that when they had their first babies, they felt the same way. They also had a hard time doing more than the bare minimum. They too struggled to shower and get out of their pajamas, much less clean or cook dinner.
Approximately 97% of the time I was in my same fuzzy grey robe. The rest of the time I was in an often breast milk soaked nursing bra and maternity panties. I rarely left the house. And when I did it caused me extreme stress and anxiety, as did having visitors come over.
I just remember feeling so guilty and inadequate all the time as a new mom. I constantly felt like I should be able to handle things better and do so much more. Why didn’t I know why my baby was crying? Why could I not soothe her without just popping a boob in her mouth? (Not that there is anything wrong with comfort nursing at all!) As a 25 year old woman who very much wanted and planned for this baby, why did I feel more like a teen mom? I felt as though I had no idea what I was doing.
I worked as a Unit Assistant at the time on the Postpartum Mother/Baby unit that I now work as an RN. So I had plenty of practice and exposure to babies. I even thought I “knew it all” about having your first baby before I had one of my own. But caring for your own baby 24/7 is just entirely different. And that came as such a shock to me.
What I didn’t realize though, was that all of this was normal. And that I was having way too high of expectations of myself and my newborn. What I also didn’t realize, even though I went back and forth with myself over it, was that I was suffering from some pretty major postpartum anxiety and depression. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, other than putting off getting help sooner. I also desperately needed to give myself a ton of grace during that time.
It’s important for me to note here that I was also in the middle of trying to navigate all of this without having my own mother to help me or teach me things along the way. My mother and I have had a very complicated relationship my whole life. I actually decided to completely cut ties with her when I was pregnant with my first daughter. So I often would get jealous of other girls I saw who were able to get so much help and support from their moms. I was having to essentially pave my own way. I’m thankful to have several wonderful mother figures in my life though. I have a tribe of momma friends as well, and they all definitely did help me through that time.
But the experiences I’d had in my childhood with my mother caused me to often try to overcompensate for what I didn’t have. I adopted such a perfectionist mentality. It’s almost like I was trying to be some type of martyr, never asking for or accepting help. I felt like I should just be able to do everything on my own. I do think some of this perfectionist mentality was also due to me having 2 pregnancy losses prior to having my first daughter. My husband and I wanted to have a baby so badly for so long. And when I finally had her, I felt like I had to do everything exactly right.
Now, I’ve spent the majority of this post thus far describing some of the rockier aspects of the transition into becoming a mom. But I also want to be very clear that having your first baby is of course not all hard. I’m just wanting to be raw and real about my personal experience. My hope is that any other Mommas out there who are struggling to manage all the ups and downs and everything in between that come with having your first baby, can feel seen and heard and that they aren’t alone, but that they are normal.
So with having said all of that, I want to end this post with a few of the wonderful things that also come along with becoming a Momma for the first time. When you hear that first cry and finally get to see and hold your baby for the first time like you see me doing in the picture above. That was taken just moments after my first baby girl was laid on my chest. I looked at her and said “I’ve waited for you for so long!” It still makes my chin quiver just thinking about that moment.
Not only is your baby born into the world that day, but you’re also born into a whole new world and role. And it takes time to get to know not only your baby, but also yourself in this new identity. After having your first baby, all the milestones are so exciting because not only are all their firsts brand new to them, but to you too.
When you are able to soothe your fussy newborn, or get them to sleep independently, or teach them something new, or a multitude of other joyous things that come along with that sweet baby, you begin to grow your “Mom muscles”. You begin to see the fruits of your labor and to build your confidence. And then before you know it, you look back and have become an experienced Momma that’s able to help others. You can use your experiences from having your first baby to give advice on how to navigate those muddy waters.
If you’re a first time mom reading this and feel like you’ve had a fairly easy transition into motherhood, that is such a blessing! Be grateful and know you’re doing a wonderful job! But if you’re a Momma reading this and struggling to navigate through the transition of having your first baby and can totally relate to some of the things I shared here, I hope you at least don’t feel as alone now. And know that you are also doing a wonderful job! We are all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got, and that’s more than enough.